Who am I? My reflection on becoming a mother.

My name is Alicia Alexandra Yáñez Chin.  Although my dad wanted to call me Josephina or Anastasia, ultimately, by an unanimous vote, Alicia won.  Why? Because it is a name that sounds beautiful in both Spanish and English.  I was born on May 20, 1988 into a family that was seemingly perfect from the outside, but on the inside, there was also pain.  My birth created enough love to fill the deepest holes in space. From the time I was old enough to crawl, I evolved into my own person.  I loved to move in circles on the ground and feel my body sway to the music.  From the time I was in elementary school, I strived to become a better person.  I was put into the lower level math class so I studied all summer to get into the higher level at the start of 7th grade.  Like any child,  I was curious about my sexuality and longed to be accepted by others.  As a teenager, I was a leader and became captain of both the dance and track team.  By the time I was ready to go to college, I picked the farthest place I possibly could from home.  I wanted to start over and get to know who I am outside of the life I already knew.

In college, I embraced my love for both math and writing.  I created a 5 year plan to graduate from Emory and Georgia Tech with 2 degrees in English / Industrial Engineering and graduated with 1 credit above what I needed.  Although I had many boyfriends, the most profound relationship I had was after college.  He was my first true love and someone who still holds a profound place in my heart.  But after 10 years living in Atlanta, I knew that something was missing.  I felt like my life was too easy (ie. getting a paycheck month to month at an OK job wasn’t enough).  I needed to figure out what it meant to love myself.  After years of battling an on and off eating disorder, I needed to heal myself from the inside out. 

So I moved to Peru in search of the sacred dancing trees and healing power of the andes mountains.  I wanted to better understand where I come from.  I searched for a job and considered everything from selling internet door to door to helping build potatoes more sustainably. I started working at Uber Peru after 6 months of searching for the right job.  I grew and I pushed myself to learn a new field.  It was a wild ride, but after 2 years there, I began to grow sick of the day to day life in Peru.  It felt like time was stlil or going backwards.  I longed for home.  I longed for stability.

By the time I left Peru, I had learned to love myself and better understood myself.  I am a fighter.  I stand up for myself and speak my truth.  Like my ancestors who were pirates traveling from Spain to Peru, I am an adventurer.  Exploring new places makes me feel alive.  At 29, I fell in love with Mario who stole my heart from the first moment.  Within 6 months of knowing each other, I asked Mario to move with me to the next place. At first we explored Amsterdam, even Mexico, but quickly I realized that I wanted to be back in California.  After 12 years of being away from my family, I missed them deeply.  My father had just gotten diagnosed with Parkinsons and was getting sicker.  I wanted to feel the redwood trees and swim in the Pacific Ocean.  I wanted to see my parents more than twice a year.  Eventually, I wanted to have a family.

And so we moved to California pretty easily.  I gave away the little things I had and packed 3 suitcases. The few months before we moved to California were magical.  I took a yoga teacher training and traveled around Latin America spending a long weekend in the highlands of Peru.  During this time, I felt the magic of the andes mountains once again.  Among the salt hills and Inca trail, this was HOME.  I long to go back and spend time there with Marito.  Meet Luzy, Paolo and their children.  Marito needs to know another home that exists in this world.

The fondest and scariest memories I have of last year was the feeling of plunging into the unknown.  Even though I was moving back home, I was once again shedding the old and transforming myself.  No longer the young adult moving to Peru to find herself, I knew who I was.  I knew my limits.  I knew what turned me on. I knew how to travel alone. I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like.  And I knew how to love someone.  I knew how to put someone else's needs before mine but also know when to put my needs first.  As the saying goes, I knew how to put on my own mask first before helping the child.

And then I got pregnant in August of 2018.  When I got pregnant, I knew it right away.  I told my mom at La Mar Resteraunt, you might be a grandma.  And 1 week later, I called her after going to a workout class, “mom, my boobs feel swollen and tender.”  My first instinct when I found out I was a mother was shock.  But the thing that made me feel easy was Mario’s response.  He was so happy to be a father and he gave me the strength to step into a new lifelong adventure of raising a child.

The birth of my son still feels unreal.  After 3 days and 24 hours of pre and active labor, my son entered the world at 1:48am on April 26, 2019 (my due date).  If anyone were to have their child born on their due date, it is me.  When I first went into labor, the surges felt steady on Tuesday at 1am.  By the next day, as my doulas predicted, the surges had calmed down and during the day on Wednesday, we even went to get pizza and walked around the block.  Returning home, the surges kept increasing and increasing as night approached. Only 5 minutes apart, I wasn’t quite yet in active labor, but the pain was deep and intense.  I could feel pain in my back and the cramping was so intense.  It felt like the worst period I have ever had that just kept increasing and increasing with no end in sight.  By Thursday midnight, I was in active labor.  It was my third night without a second of sleep and the surges were coming every 3 minutes.  My husband was at my side at almost every surge.  There were hours that passed where he was close to me providing motivation and support.  But I felt that I couldn’t do it.  I kept saying out loud, “I can’t do this.”  I stared at the painting I created a few days earlier and the messages I wrote, TRUST YOURSELF and BREATHE.  

Although my body was doing it, my mind was telling me I can't.  By the next day at 2pm, the doulas came.  At the moment I was begging Mario to take me to Redwood City and give me the epidural, Vanessa reminded me that I wanted to have a natural birth and go the hospital at the last moment to push and we were following my plan.  She told me, "pretend as if drugs were not even an option.”  From that moment forward, Vanessa and Maggy were alongside me the whole way.  Giving Mario a moment to rest and recharge for a few hours, he had also been up almost the entire 3 days.  They took me from different parts of the house to be in active labor.  It was so painful but so mystical at the same time.  The sensations coming from my vagina were so deep and I needed to allow Marito to come out of my body by guiding him.  Let go of the pain.  Let go of the clenching.  Let go.  

The places where I felt most able to let go was in the water.  The water soothed my body and nourished my mind.  The water allowed me to open up and at one moment, Mario even got in the water with me for “sexy time” which really meant holding on to him tightly during each surge.  Now I realize that he was with me in our small bathtub as I dilated at the most intense moments.  Vanessa and Maggy kept reminding me that I was doing it until I remember being mildly irked by the repetitive messages.  I just wanted to tell myself I couldn’t do this, but their constant reminder was like a mother telling their small child , “HONNEY, take off your training wheels, you can do this!”.  And I did.  By 11pm on Thursday night, I told my husband, “Ok enough is enough.  I need to go to the hospital!"  Vanessa, Maggy and Mario jointly helped get ourselves ready while Mario walked me down the stairs with my blindfold on and earplugs in both ears.  I needed as little distraction from the outside world. A quick ride later on all fours in the backseat, we arrived to the noisy ER.  

Fast forward an hour later after a hectic check in, I was finally in my bathroom with the shower water flowing and my water broke.  I felt like I was meeting God and he told me, “You made it. You are going to meet your son in just a few short hours, you got this!”  Although I thought I had an hour to rest before going into the pushing phase, the pain continued to get more intense, but this time, I knew I could do it.  When I was ready to push, the doctor gave me the bad news that my son was the wrong way sunny side up or his spine aligned with my spine.  I thought, holy shit, the fun has just begun.  The doctor told me that  I had two options.  I could either push which would be long and hard or she could turn the baby which would be quicker but extremely painful.  I opted without a doubt to push.  However Marito’s heartbeat slowed down due to the umbilical cord around his neck and it became an emergency situation.

Breathing into the laughing gas, I forced myself to breath deeply.  Still, I was breathing inefficiently so the doctor guided me to breath into my vagina as I pushed.  Approximately 30 - 45 minutes later, Marito was coming out.  When the doctor put my baby on top of me, I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.  It didn’t feel real.  It didn’t feel possible that after more than 3 days of no sleep that my baby was finally here on top of me.  I had so much anxiety about finally meeting my baby boy and him being absolutely healthy and OK. That exact moment was the best moment of my life.  After that, nothing mattered because he was in my arms, the warmth of his body and his crying a vital sign that he was healthy and alive.

Like many monumental things in my life, when I have a goal I achieve it.  No changing my mind after a clear goal is set in place.  I wanted a natural birth and to labor at home until pushing.  Becoming a mother in the way I planned is a reminder that I can achieve everything I want.  Becoming a mother has felt like a rebirth and surrendering of the past.  A past where I could just travel from place to place without a worry in the world.  But the last few days I have been feeling more and more like myself.  Taking care of my body, working out, spending time studying Ayurveda and doing yoga.  During daily moments of silence and gratitude,  I remember who I am.  I remember the strong girl moving across the country at 17 and moving to Peru at the age of 27. 

I am releasing once again the old and embracing the new.  A new life where I get to see my son’s smiling face every morning.  And where this life takes us, I don’t know.   All I know is that I have mi familia.  As we create the Garcia-Yáñez family, myself, Mario and Marito, I feel so much gratitude to live each day with them.  As long as I continue to give myself space to get to know my evolving self, the more life will be filled with new challenges, laughter and exploration.  Although there is also darkness in this new life, all l I can do is have faith and take one step forward.